Overcoming the Need To be Perfect: How to Give Yourself Grace

You will never be perfect on this side of heaven.

f you struggle with perfection then that statement either gives you anxiety or relief. I pray it’s the latter. I don’t say that to make you feel inferior or discouraged, but to help you find freedom. Freedom from the idea that perfection is the goal; from shame and condemnation each time you fall short.  

I remember thinking about how far I’d come in my relationship with God and saying to God that I am so much better than I used to be.  I erroneously thought I had reached “this” level that made me a good Christian and that I didn’t have much to work on. At that moment God said to me “Tiffanie, you are so prideful”.  I was shocked, But he was right.  I thought because I was doing all the “right” things and knew a lot of scripture that I had arrived.  I was wrong. I wasn’t who I used to be, that’s for sure. But still, I was only scratching the surface. I learned that there is always more to become in Christ.

Progress, Not Perfection, is the Goal

God is transforming each of us into the image of Christ. This process, called sanctification, takes a lifetime (literally).  We are called to trust in a perfect God, not be perfect in our own strength.  The latter is religion. God is so much bigger than that and he wants so much more for us than an outward behavior change. He’s after our hearts.  That’s why Christianity is about having a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

As you progress in your relationship with God He will reveal things about you to you. Wounds, past hurts, and roots of bitterness or unforgiveness.  He’ll show you how prideful you are, humble you when you start to think too highly of yourself, and reveal idols you didn’t know you had.

If you struggle with a desire to be perfect, accepting your shortcomings, or feeling like a failure then let me remind you that God loves you and His grace is sufficient for you. He’s not in love with some future version of you. He loves you as you are, but he’s not going to leave you where you are.  What he reveals or convicts you of is because of His love for you. He knows where you are and what you can handle.   His goal isn’t to overwhelm you but sanctify you gradually 

If God doesn’t expect you to be perfect, why do you expect it of yourself? Where did that expectation come from? Why is it difficult for you to give yourself grace?

Understand God’s Grace

Before I became a Christian, my identity was rooted in my accomplishments. I grew up believing that I had to be perfect to be loved. If I didn’t get the best grades, do all my chores, or follow all the rules I thought I’d be rejected. That was the last thing I wanted. I’d faced so much rejection, all I wanted was to be accepted. So I worked, strived, and achieved. I had no grace for myself, and my mental health suffered because of it.

It wasn’t until I understood God’s grace toward me and the fact that he doesn’t expect me to be perfect right now. God showed me that he didn’t expect me to be perfect. He expected me to persevere.

He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103:10-15

I heard a pastor say how grateful they were that Jesus used the term “Well done, good and faithful servant”. Not good and perfect servant. Faithful can be defined as loyal and steadfast. In your pursuit of God, you won’t always get it right, but there is good news. God’s mercy is new every morning. His grace is sufficient for your weakness. These truths are not a reason to stop pursuing godliness and give in to sin. On the contrary, they’re a reason to keep going because it proves that God’s goodness and plan for your life aren’t null and void due to your mistakes.

Remember Your Identity

The goal is to progress. You won’t always get it right, but are you getting better? Have you grown in your faith in the last year? Are you quicker to be obedient than you were 2 years ago? Have you developed more fruit of the spirit? That’s what matters.

Don’t be alarmed that there’s always something you need to work. The enemy will try to get you to focus on your past and mistakes, and the possibility that you’ll never overcome them. But he’s a liar, so don’t give in to those thoughts. Condemnation is not from God. Take that thought captive and replace that lie with Truth. When you feel ashamed or condemned remember:

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus

Romans 8:1

You’re not earning God’s love, you already have it. When we focus on becoming perfect we can start to believe our salvation (and God’s love) is based on what we do. But Romans 5:8 tell us, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” So keep your eyes focused on your relationship with God and stand firm in who you are, not who you were. You are saved, and you are the righteousness of God because of your faith in Jesus Christ.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

Thank God For Growth

When God shows you something about yourself, know that He is doing it out of love.  Instead of feeling shame (which is not from God). I challenge you to thank him for revealing it to you.  Change your perspective. You’re growing and progressing. God could leave you where you are - bound, depressed, bitter, prideful - but he doesn’t. He loves you too much to let you stay where you are. His desire is for you to know the depth of his grace, love, peace, and freedom. The process isn’t easy and honestly, can be painful. But I promise you, it’s worth it.

This is your chance to know more about God and become more like Christ. The process won’t always be fun or easy, but it’ll work out for your good and God’s glory.