Are You Struggling to Make Godly Friends? Three Questions to Ask Yourself

If God has called us to be in community, why is it so challenging to find godly friends?

In my twenties, I moved to a new city (and therefore church) four times. I know the depth of this struggle. Committing your life to Christ is the best decision you’ll ever make, but it doesn’t magically make your life easier. You’ll need good friends who understand your faith journey, encourage it, and push you to go deeper in your faith. If this is something you currently lack then pray and ask God. Be specific and keep praying until it manifests. God hears your prayers and He cares about the desires of your heart. In His time, he’ll bring the right friends into your life.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens

Ecclesiastes 3:1

If you’re struggling to develop godly friendships then I encourage you to meditate on these three questions.'

1) Am I Making My Best Effort to Meet People?

Pray and then take action. Faith without works is dead. You have to put yourself out there. Whether you’re 18 or 40, the friendships you desire aren’t going to just happen. I wanted to meet people but that meant going to groups alone and fighting against the desire to stay in my comfort zone. Talk to people you sit by at church, go to a small group or event by yourself, or extend an invitation to someone to get coffee. I know this can be especially hard if you struggle with rejection or social anxiety so go at your own pace and ask God to help you. As you step outside your comfort zone remember two truths. First, not every potential friendship will stick. Some people may not have time or long term interest and that’s okay. Doesn’t make them a person or mean there is something wrong with you. It simply means they’re not meant to be in your life. Second, it won’t happen overnight. Keep at it even when you feel discouraged.

2) Am I In a Season of Isolation?

Sometimes God isolates us for a season. This is always temporary. You can feel this way when you’re in new place or when you’ve outgrown your current friendships.

Two months after I graduated from college, I moved to a new city where I didn’t know anyone. I was 22 and completely oblivious to how difficult it can be to meet like-minded people in the real-world. At the time, I worked in retail which meant I usually worked some nights and weekends. I did what I knew to do - go to church, join meet up groups, and get to know my co-workers, but none of it worked. I attended a small group for young adults and although everyone was nice, I just didn’t “fit”. I mysteriously ALWAYS had to work 2 pm to 11 pm every Saturday the meet-up group I joined had an event (and absolutely no one wanted to switch schedules with me). My coworkers were friendly but all old enough to be my parents OR married with limited availability in the social calendar. That was one of the loneliest years of my life.

So instead of hanging out with friends, I spent time with God. In retrospect, I can see that this was God’s plan. I was in a new place, still very new in my faith, and used to relying on other people to fill my time and give me validation. For a season, God stripped me of those things so that he could have my undivided attention. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was necessary. I grew closer to God during that year. I spent my free time studying the bible, learning to hear God’s voice, and realizing that I didn’t need other people to live a fulfilled life. That year I went to a concert alone for the first time! I would have never done that before but I realized that I had two choices: wait until I had friends so that I could enjoy life, or stop waiting and live anyway. I chose the latter.

As badly as you may want close friendships, it may not be the time. God may have a bigger purpose for this time in your life. The only way to know is to ask Him.

3) Am I Seeking God as Much as I’m Seeking Friends?

Why do you want friends? What purpose will they play in your life? God may be looking for you to find those things in your relationship with Him. Sure, God can’t physically go to the movies with you but God can be your friend as well as your Lord. He desires to have an intimacy that goes deeper than you just asking him for provision and protection. He cares about every area of your life.

I’ve asked God what to wear on date once and he showed me (a picture popped into my mind). I’ve had breakfast dates with God in my apartment and instead of asking for things i Just tell him about work or a situation and ask His opinion. You may find that you need people less when you depend on God more.

You Can’t Rush God’s Time

God ordains specific times for us to experience certain things. We can’t rush God’s time. If you have the faith to pray for then you have to have faith to wait for it. Seek god and put in the effort. When you do start to meet people realize that not all friendships are equal. One person might become a life long friend while another may be a friend for that season. Both are good. Every relationship God gives us has a purpose, friendships included.

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

Be prayerful about the people you let into your inner circle. Just because they love Jesus doesn’t mean they’re the friend for you. I could write a book about the ways God has used my friends to challenge, encourage, and sharpen me. It’s great to have someone to hang out with, but it’s better to have someone who will push you toward Christ and your purpose.