There came a time when I silenced God’s voice. When I stepped out of His will and followed my own desires. It began as discontentment, progressed to lying and secrets, and finally ended in depression. Sin is like that, only showing you the pleasure, never revealing the consequence and pain. It promises you a high, but what you don’t see is depth of the fall. One sin always leads to another. It starts off small, but ends in devastation.
After years of being abstinent and waiting until marriage to have sex, I gave into temptation. Four years of purity and discipline down the drain. I felt pure shame, like I couldn't even show my face to God. I felt unworthy and unlovable. I thought, "Why did I let this happen?", "Why did I risk it it all for something that was worth nothing at all?" The condemnation was real. I was broken and desperate. All I wanted was to feel whole again, to feel peace, and to rid myself of this guilt and shame. But I couldn't. Though I know God is always with me, He felt very far away.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39
Sin gratifies our flesh, and living in the flesh dulls our spiritual senses. Though nothing can separate us from God's love, choosing sin separates us from Him relationally. We cannot pursue sin and pursue God. We cannot serve two masters (Matthew 6:24).
The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). He wants to destroy your faith, your relationship with God, and render you useless. He’ll try to make you believe that God doesn’t love you anymore, that He’s mad at you, and that you’re too far gone to return to Him. He is the father of lies so everything he says is a lie.
But there is good news! You are not without hope. In Christ, we are convicted but we are NOT condemned. Satan is an accuser and the only one who condemns us. If you’re feeling condemned, know that feeling is not from God.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. - Romans 8:1-2
Remember, your sin is not a surprise to God. He didn't die for all your sins up until this point in time and now you're on your own. He died for every sin you have committed, are committing, and will commit in the future. Romans 5:8 states, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." God already knew what you would do, but that did not stop Him from dying for you so that you could be in right relation with God.
Now this isn't to condone the practice of sin (i.e. premeditating sin, sinning intentionally). A heart that has experienced the true love of God will be repentant and choose to turn away from sin. What this does mean is that God still loves you and desires you to return to Him.
If we truly repent, turn away from our sin and back to God, He is faithful to forgive us (1 John 1:9). He desires for you to know the depth of His love and walk in freedom from the bondage of sin. You have the victory in Christ, you just have to grab hold of it.
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” - Romans 8:15
I am a living witness of that. I stopped running from God and ran back to Him. I stopped pursuing sin and wholeheartedly pursued Him. I am no longer ashamed, His love has set me free. I’m not the exception. What He did for me, He will do for you. Turn back to God and watch Him use this for His glory. Watch Him heal your heart and replace your shame with confidence that you are forgiven. Then this story will become a part of your testimony, testifying of God’s grace, power and redeeming love.
Love and Blessings,
P.S. - If this post was for you, give this song a listen Out of Hiding by Steffany Gretzinger